Didn't see THAT comng!

Well, yesterday as we all know, I met with a psychiatrist for the report for the court case. As I mentioned yesterday, it was pretty hard - revisiting the emotions and memories in such detail. Also, uncovering a lot of my motivations for doing the things I had done back in my days involved with drugs.

In his opinion, my mental state at the time is convincing enough to utilise a mental health defence. This basically means, in Hollywood movie terms, a plea of temporary insanity. The Australian Law is very different, but the principle is the same - mental capacity or intent under which a crime was committed. This means the charges should be thrown out. Now, if there is no charge before the court, then I didn't break any bond, and it is all over. It will not, however, influence my decision to continue to pay back the money. In my mind, that is a seperate issue. It doesn't matter "why" I took it, the fact is, I did take it and will make full repayment.

I got a number of opportunties in the 3 hours with the Dr to share with him the reasons for my change. I explained that it was God changing me, not me changing me. We also discussed church and the nee for community and loving and supporting each other. I also shared with him about the support offered to me through you all praying and being kept updated through this blog.

All in all, was hard work, but better than I expected.

At the end, he spent some time discussing with me my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. Evidently, psychosis fro drugs can last a number of months as a type of "residual effect" of the drugs on the chemical structure of the mind. He believes, based on my history and the absence of a number of symptoms, that my diagnosis is incorrect. What is coming out about the drug ICE in research is that the effects go on for a number of years after stopping use. While not playing down the seriousness or validity of my symptoms or experience, he also didn't challenge the way in which I was treated with medication - he supported the road that was taken. He is simply putting forward the idea that I do not have a long term mental illness and as such, should have my medication reviewed with an idea of reducing it to zero. Maintenance medication, he doesn't believe, is needed for me. (I should state here VERY CLEARLY that I will be making NO changes to my medication without full consultation and agreement from a qualified, accepted psychiatrist. Mental illness is NOT something to be toyed with and reduction of medication or change of diagnosis should only be done by the professionals on a case by case scenario.)

So, that was a pleasant surprise, but is typical of my experience and what I am coming to learn about our God. It's like all he ever wants is for me to say "OK God, I accept what you are doing here, I accept who I am in you and I'm OK with that." You see, a label like schizophrenic is a hard one to apply to yourself. It conjoured up images of mentally incapable or deficient for me. It took a long time to get to the point where I accepted it and was ok with who God had intended me to be. Now, it's like he says:"That's all I wanted to hear Liam. By the way, you are not really schizophrenic." I link it directly to the idea of the pruning the vine to bear MUCH fruit in John 15. I guess the thing for me to remember is that it is all God's will. I need to see that while he does use things like this to teach us, it may have also been his will that I was in fact, schizophrenic. So, the warning to myself is, don't just accept a situation relying on God to change it once I have. I, we, all need to be truly content in where ever or whoever God's will sees fit for us to be (Phillipians 4).

This court stuff isn't over yet. The next part is the actual report and seeing what the court wants to do about it. I am open to God doing whatever he wants to do with me in this, and we shall continue to see what that is over time.

I continue to praise him for the support you all provide. Thank you again for your prayers, it really does make a difference to know that you all share my burden in this.

Blessings to you all.